Archive for loss

Un-Alone

Posted in life, personal, poetry, prose, writing with tags , on July 20, 2014 by Shadow

Them

After traumatic events led to a major disorder in my thinking, something bizarre occurred. One day I found myself face-to-face with a doorway into another world; and yet, it was a doorway into my mind. I saw beings there that looked like people, and they saw me in return. I say they looked like people because in some ways, they were more like creatures, mutated forms mocking the shape of a human.

Being seen like this was jarring; startling. Their eyes felt like my eyes, as though I were watching myself. I felt fear, a fear they could grasp. I tried to cope, but a haunting sensation tore through me, the kind that told me I wasn’t important to anyone. The feeling was crippling and I wanted to hide, but wherever I tried to move to, their eyes followed me.

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Time’s Up

Posted in life, personal, poetry, Uncategorized, writing with tags , , on May 8, 2014 by Shadow

My Sins

What is that presence I feel?

I can barely make the image, my mind reeling from the exertion, from crushing the wine glass in my hand.

Crystal shards glimmer and sting, long and dripping blood streams trickling to the floor, and though I’m content with my bottled rage, I feel the presence, agitating the moment.

Who are you? Is there something I can help you with?

I had been recollecting my thoughts, gnashing my teeth, by the memories of an icy hatred, when I realized I wasn’t alone.

And as the blood dried I felt the truth working its deathlike fingers around my heart.

Had the years of my volatile shame taken form, by the sound of a midnight clock?

Could I no longer stay the shadow that bore — that amorphous emotionless shape — the weight of my infinite sins?

The Frayed Edges of Existence

Posted in love, personal, poetry, prose with tags , on July 12, 2013 by Shadow

Alone

Only one person can touch the heart, that person some call a soul mate. She’s the one you can tell, nothing else is as important, because the nights are hard to get through alone, or like, sometimes, it’s hard to make sense of my thoughts when she crosses my mind.

When fate enacted its charms, I was forced to go away, the complications so difficult to explain that an entire dissertation couldn’t cover the extent of what happened. Paradoxically, the simplest thing underscoring the whole of the matter, was how much I loved her.

An obstacle established, a circumstance pushing matters in a torrential way, a chain of events and the passing of time, and suddenly, my soul mate was gone. I had to imagine life without her, the possibility of kissing a complete stranger, someone I would never come to love, like I loved her.

The wind blows upon my path as I travel, until my bones turn to dust and I have to wonder. Why couldn’t the fates have had pity on me? Do the angels, at least, marvel at the strength it takes, to walk alone, without her? Is it a choice, that I choose to follow my path into the ice, where I finally come face-to-face with my demise, never knowing the reason why I was singled out?

Is that what I am then, a monster, forced to find someone else, when no one else will do? Having the strings that extended between you and I torn, was painful. Unresolved, I keep myself barred from the cold wind that freezes my face, bound to the isolation of the glacial path. Because where it leads me is irrelevant, for if you are not there, then where or who am I, but a weary traveler.

Unforgiven

Posted in life, love, personal, poetry, writing with tags , , , , , on May 7, 2013 by Shadow

Unforgiven

You know them, because you pass them by all the time.
Straggled like the scattered fragments of broken glass,
They are noticeable only because you know,
How you have to go.

Some blend with the soiled walls of the street,
Since they are too thin to be seen,
Their wary eyes rounded by the reception
Of a thousand hateful looks.

Sometimes a cold breeze will graze the skin
Of cheeks beneath the look of a distant memory,
When the thought of reaching out to a hand, extended,
Dissipates in the tears of painful regret.

You’ve seen this person, struggling for a friend,
Desperate for affection, from saying the wrong thing,
From believing the wrong thought, never having known,
Until it was too late — and you have to keep going
Because you know the consequences,
Of sharing a passing smile.

Somewhere they’ll turn up for the ocean salts,
To absorb the wealth of their sorrows,
Where the earth will offer the solace
That another person simply cannot.

Waves will crush against the sand,
And the gulls will glide their airy flights,
Passing at times in front of the sun.

But when the frigid night arrives,
When the myriad stars rain down their hollow sounds,
Do they herald the shades of those who are forgotten,
Unforgiven?

The Old Cat Song

Posted in poetry, writing with tags , on December 22, 2012 by Shadow

Old Cat

I’m just an old cat
With nothing to live for
Please leave me alone
I want to die now

The mice are no fun
And the cat food is stale
I need a hole
To crawl in and die

All my toys are ragged
My owners are all gone
My throat is always
Clogged with dirty fur

I’m just an old cat
With nothing to live for
Please leave me alone
I want to die

Tunnel of Darkness

Posted in poetry, writing with tags on December 7, 2012 by Shadow

Tunnel

Brick by brick and stone polished
Longer and deeper and smoother
The dripping of water, the echoes,
Crying and weeping far off
Where the tunnel leads me

Each thought of the past follows
Every barefoot step that I take,
The cold and the shivers and fear,
Memories like wide-eyed ghosts
Drifting along as I go

Nothing but bricks to the left
Nothing but stone to the right
Nothing but cold smoothness beneath
The flesh of my bony feet
As I face the lightless tunnel depths

Carrying an empty heart devoid
Of all and any kinds of love
I frown in the darkness, startled,
The crying and weeping far off,
Echoing from where the dark tunnel
Leads me

Clown

Posted in poetry with tags , on March 27, 2011 by Shadow

We were together, I was in love
Adrift in a heavenly place

Flowers they grew, spring breezes they blew
A smile always pasted my face

God’s grace it showered, droplets of Eden
Thine eyes could only I see

A graze of your skin, your falling gold hair
A mystery enrapturing me

Deep in the night, our hearts they enjoin
A teardrop could fall from my eye

Your look in the moonlight, spotted by starlight
Vertigo, love fell from the sky

I looked to the days, of times we would share
Nothing could alter my mind

Devotedly bound, resplendence of passions
Our love was like no other kind

On came a day, the rain it had poured
I gazed on the watery path

I raced out to meet you, to help you along
And oddly I saw that you laughed

A stern hand had saved you, so there you now stood
Safe as baby that sleeps

Keen words that were said, my heart how it bled
The hand that you kept was for keeps

Days they grew dark, from visions I saw
I was the third of the three

And on came the spring, and with it a ring
He gave by the shade of a tree

I looked round myself, did anyone see?
A fool knows the rules of attention

I sauntered away, a taut empty place
Awaited my soul’s desolation

In time I sensed, white make-up so crude
With red stains that outlined a smile

Dripping revulsion, resisting compulsion
To laugh like a loon for a while

With orange satin trousers and bright fiery hair
And shoes ugly bulky and blue

Like holding balloons, with a grueling red nose
I see now, I was only a clown that loved you